In a bizarre turn of events, the International Criminal Court Chief Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda fainted on Monday and was rushed to a hospital in Geneva, Switzerland after word got round that the charismatic leader of the Congolese M23 rebel group Bosco Ntaganda, who had handed himself in to the ICC a few days ago, had disappeared in a jailbreak.
Sources told Sahan Journal that not only did Ntaganda escape from jail, but he also freed a group of African leaders who had been similarly arrested and incarcerated at the Hague.
Ntaganda – nicknamed The Terminator for his alleged crimes against humanity, including rape, mass eviction and murder of Congolese civilians – was in Jail Block H5 at the Hague together with five other African leaders also awaiting trial.
Sources further revealed that The Terminator cut through the metal bars of Jail Block H5 with his bare teeth, had the five other African leaders use his shoulders as a ladder and hop safely onto Rue de Chochote, a street below Jail Block H5.
Jaan van Lazymaan, an eyewitness of the jailbreak who lives at Quartier Latin, the part of the Hague where the jailbreak occurred, told Sahan Journal that he was “gobsmacked”.
“Oh la la! Wololo yaye, these Africans! I have never seen anything like that,” he says breathlessly. “I mean, it was like straight out of a movie, a medieval movie shot somewhere in Burgundy during the time of William the Conqueror.”
“I mean, this tall black man shows up on the Jail Block H5 window overlooking Rue de Chochote, and at first, I thought he was smiling at me, but on further inspection, I saw that he was gnawing on the metal bars like a rat.”
According to further investigations by Sahan Journal, the plot gets even more bizarre. It turns out that The Terminator had some outside help after all. On Montparnasse Avenue, which is adjacent to the Hague but hidden from Jail Block H5, residents reported sighting a mule with a piece of cloth draped across its flanks with the words “Air DR Congo” printed across.
The same mule was sighted at the international departures terminal of the nearby L’Aéroport de Flightsoffancee. Inside sources told Sahan Journal that the mule was used to transport the fugitives to the airport.
Many African leaders contacted by our reporters expressed their support for the The Terminator and the dramatic jailbreak.
Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir was the first one to welcome the news, describing the ICC as an “unwelcome nuisance, taking the continents best and brightest leaders and politicians into a white hole [sic].”
When asked if he meant a “black hole,” al-Bashir slapped our reporter and called him “a crazy, inveterate racist and a donkey,” telling the journalist “itaqillah – fear Allah!”
He called the international court, “the Beast that comes at end-times,” foretold in the Qur’an and the Bible, and that the only thing missing was “the one eye or the 666 mark on its forehead.”
When our reporter asked Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe his reaction, he simply waved his hand dismissively and quipped in his quintessential laconic style: “To hell with the ICC! Stupid, effing imperialists”.
L’Hospital des Sauvages Chief Medical Superintendent Dr. Yosef van Rinkkels said Bensouda was in good shape. He further added that when she was brought in and asked her name, Bensouda mysteriously burst into the late French superstar Edith Piaf’s song “Non, je ne regrette rien – no, I regret nothing!”